Cryfest 2005

I don’t cry very often anymore. As a kid I cried all the time about the littlest things. I was so passionate about sports that I cried when I got scored on in soccer (I was the goalie). I cried when I struck out in baseball (I didn’t very often). I just hated disappointing others and knew I myself could do better. Since middle school, my crying time has been very limited. I grew out of that hyper emotional state, to the man you see now. I hate to cry, and I hate it when people around me cry. The time I really remember crying was at my wedding. It was the end of an era, and therefore sad, yet extremely happy at the same time. Besides that I can only recall two other crying times in the past few years. Both of them happened to revolve around baseball. In 98 I balled when mark mcgwire hit #62. Then in this decade I cried each time the Yankees won the world series. If I had to average it all out I would say that I am good for one cry a year. Tonight I held cryfest 2005.

Let me caution you fellow bloggers with this. Beware, your parents could possibly read your blog. Be sure they don’t find out important stuff by reading your blog. Lets say, for instance, you get engaged. Don’t write it in your blog until you tell your parents face to face, or if you must over the phone. I made this mistake in my post “Home is where your heart is.” Tonight I called my parents happy to tell them all of the great strides we are making in adulthood, and to let them in on this condo purchasing talk. They were all ready keen on most of it. I hadn’t thought that through completely. That wasn’t all there was to it though.

I love my parents so very much. It pains me everyday to be 3000 miles and 500 dollars away from them. I guess for them hearing about out home buying escapades added one more level of permenance to our separation. They, being the loving parents that they are, reminded me of how much they love me and Mellissa, all the while compounding the guilt that we feel for living this far away. None of this intentional of course, they are just being honest. But it wasn’t even the guilt that got to me. I feel that my spiritual calling in a way trumped that. I know the Lord wants me here, so I blame him for the distance between my parents and myself.

The thing that really got to me is when my dad stumbled over his words and they came out, not quite how he meant them. He said that I was not his son anymore. That wasn’t what he meant to get across, but he was trying to let me know how much he missed me. The thing that really gets me, even now is that I feel the same way. I miss them more than anything I have ever missed in my life. They mean the absolute world to me and it literally hurts my heart that we have to be apart. Just the thought of not seeing them as often as I would like makes me so sad. I want to be that son who my mom dreams about. The one who comes over with his family for Sunday dinner. That would be a dream come true. Coming to terms with that is the hard part. It is an irreconciliable difference. I cannot be there, because I know the Lord has me here. They can’t be here because that is where there life is. There is nothing I can do. Tonight I came to terms with that and it break my heart.

Mellissa rubbed my back as I cried into my pillow. It took about 20 minutes. I felt better afterwards. I am glad that I dealt with that. Here’s what I want to say to the most important people in my life.

Mellissa – thanks for being my partner, and my support. My life would have only a fraction of the joy I have now if it weren’t to you.

Tribe/bloggers – I am here because God has me here. We better take full advantage of what he wants to do here through us. I refuse to waste this time. Lets change this place for the Kingdom.

Mom and Dad – I love you, miss you, and need you so much. I am so thankful and proud to be your son.

God – You are the most important on this list so I saved you for last. I am here for you, and live for you. Don’t let me miss out on your plan for my life. It is not worth living without it. I love you.