Sad

I am not sure where I am going with this entry, but hopefully by the end I will have figured it out. I heard a story that was so deeply impacting yesterday that I felt I needed to address it in blog form, even though I don’t know why I am so deeply affected by it.

Last night I went to one of our churches small groups. There were about 12 people there and I was just there to support the leaders, letting them know that what they are doing is worth while. One of the people at the group was a guy named Greg. I had first met Greg on Sunday morning. When I first saw him he appeared to be mentally handicapped. His eyes were fluttering up at the top of his eyelids, and he had the look that he wasn’t all there. As I walked up the ramp after church I got to meet him. Turned was quite intelligent, and blind. He was a really outgoing sweet guy. You may think it is wrong to say this, but I have met a lot of handicapped people who aren’t sweet people. They have this –mad at the world- thing going on. I have been yelled at by handicapped people for not helping them with doors and the like. Greg was not one of these guys. That day Greg and I exchanged pleasantries and were on our separate ways.

At the group meeting last night Greg was a great asset. He was talkative and friendly. Your role model group member. After the meeting we were hanging out and I decided to strike up a conversation with Greg. I have never been one to gingerly approach the handicapped. I think they must be frustrated with all the people out there pretending that they don’t notice that they are handicapped. So I approached the subject immediately. He reintroduced himself, and I did the same and asked him if he was good with voices. He said he was. That always amazes me when the blind can recognize everyone by their voice. I saw that he was open about his disability by asking that first question, so I asked him another. “Were you born blind?” He told me that he had been blind for about 15 years. So my obvious next question was “What happened.” His answer floored me.

I am not sure what his exact words were, but I could tell that he was embarrassed to give his reason. He stuttered through the reason: He shot himself trying to commit suicide and lost his eye sight. I didn’t know how to respond. I have heard about how frustrated people become when they fail at committing suicide. They all ready feel like failures, and now they fail at something that seems so simple, taking their own life. For Greg there was even further consequence to this scenario. Not only did he want to die, and fail at killing himself. He now had to live the rest of his life knowing that he handicapped himself. His wife then left him; he lost his job, his kids, his house. As if he wasn’t feeling bad enough all ready.

I am not sure what it is but I don’t think there are stories much sadder than that one. I am still not sure what the bigger picture is, or what the lesson is or even why I wrote this. I am just processing, and this time there is no conclusion. I am tempted to stick a cliché in here like – “life isn’t fair” – or – “win some you lose some” but I won’t (So disregard those last two clichés). I am rocked by this story and I am sure that it will be a sermon illustration some day, jut not yet.